Things Your Child's School Counselor Wishes You Knew: A Message for Parents

I realize that this is the second post in a row with a guest writer, but as you can see from the change in the title of my blog - life has been rather insane here of late. I do have several of my own posts - recipes, ramblings, educational preschool ideas, maybe even a book review or two - in the works for you. However, I just couldn't wait to post this fabulous article written by my friend J.

Since I posted Words and the Single Woman ( a follow up to my own Stop Saying That, Please) I realized what a fabulous opportunity this blog affords for people with various life situations and areas of expertise to share their knowledge.

I asked my friend J, who is an outstanding school counselor, what she wishes she could say to the parents of the children she counsels. I thought her list was beyond brilliant. I personally plan to print this out and read it periodically to remind myself of what I, as a parent, need to do for my child.

Thanks to J for sharing her wisdom!

Things your child’s School Counselor wish you knew: A message for parents

-You are the most important person in your child’s life – not their friends, not their boyfriend/girlfriend, not their teachers – YOU! You have the most power and influence to steer your child’s life in a positive direction – please use that power and influence wisely.

-Your words have power. Children believe the things they are consistently told. So, if a child grows up hearing that she is “stupid,” “worthless,” or a “mistake,” there is little that I can do or say to change her mind.

-You cannot wait until your child is a teenager to try to discipline him/her; it is too late at that point. Please learn to tell your child “no” when it is necessary; it won’t hurt them, I promise.

-You cannot be your child’s friend, at least until they are an adult. Someone has to set limits, and it needs to be you. Your child is less likely to respect a parent who tries to be their friend. They, inevitably, will act like you are torturing them when you set rules and consequences; but, they actually crave structure and consistency. Stand your ground on the issues that matter.

-As difficult as it is to accept, some children have learning disorders or mental health issues that must be addressed. When I contact you to let you know I have concerns about your child, it is not a personal attack on your ability as a parent.  Please don’t take it personally. I am calling because I care about your child and want them to have the best life possible. These disorders are not your fault – you didn’t cause them – but, you simply cannot ignore them. Don’t be afraid to take the help that is offered to you.

-Bullies are real, but they are not as plentiful or as powerful as you may think. Your child’s best defense is a strong sense of self-worth and the level of trust they have for adults. I promise you, the school WILL address these issues, but we have to know about them.

-Your child’s teachers really do care and want your child to be successful, but we cannot do our job to our fullest potential without your support. After all, we are all on the same team.

-Your child will lie to you. Let me say that again to make sure you understand – your child WILL lie to you. It doesn’t mean that you have failed as a parent or that you have a “bad” kid; the self-preservation instinct is strong, especially for teenagers. So, please don’t believe everything your child tells you about the school or their teachers, and I promise that we will not believe everything your child says about you.

-Electronic devices (phones, computers, video games, etc.) are a privilege. You are not required to provide these to your child, and I would strongly encourage you to monitor their activity while using these devices – and be prepared to take them away from your child if he/she can’t use them responsibly. It will be a battle, but, trust me, your child’s safety and innocence are more than worth it. While we’re on the subject, Facebook and other social media sites, are NOT designed for children. You wouldn’t believe the things that children say and do on these sites! You need to know all your child’s login information and check their site frequently. Make sure they have activated all the security features possible to protect their privacy. While these sites have gotten more secure, an active and involved parent is the absolute best security measure.

-When buying clothing, please remember that your child is just that, a child. I am appalled at the clothing that I see some of our female students wearing. I am trying desperately to help them preserve their self-image and learn to respect their body – clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination of a young man does not help in this regard.

-Children who succeed – academically, socially, or emotionally – are the ones who have a solid support system. Love them unconditionally! You will not always like the choices they make, but do not allow your love for them to waver. Tell them, often, how much you love them and care for them – it makes a HUGE difference – trust me.

-Children will model your behavior. I realize that everyone has different views and opinions. However, please do not teach your children to handle their anger in a physical way or to use inappropriate words (curse words, racial slurs, etc.) when involved in a conflict. Those things are a violation of school rules and will receive disciplinary consequences. Please do not be alarmed or upset when you get a phone call that your child is in trouble for these behaviors; the school rules are clear and consistently enforced.

-As a parent, you have the most difficult and most important job on the planet – I get that. You will make mistakes – learn from them and move on. And, please don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it – because you will need it – we all do.

Words and the Single Woman

A couple of weeks ago I posted about things that people need to stop saying to me since I have become a working mother. I wanted to make it sort of a feature, to allow others to post about their own niche in life and what words make them feel disparaged. The ultimate goal is to be more respectful of people in all walks of life.

I put the offer to guest blog out; the first response I received was from my friend L. I was curious what she would have to say because she occupies a very unique position. L is a doctoral candidate in Christian ethics; she is single with no children. Christian ministry in America is a world that is largely dominated by married, hyper-conservative, men. What things does L have to deal with as a woman in that world?

I found her comments insightful, and I hope you will too. Although some of them are specific to Christian women, there are many that I think would hit home with any single person. These are L's words and thoughts, and I ask that you respect them even if you don't agree with them.

Stupid Things People Say to Single, Never Married Women without Kids…

1. It’s Sunday. The pastor is encouraging people to pursue missions or some other avenue of God’s calling and directs the message toward, “All you single people and the youth group…” I am 34 years old. I teach graduate students. Many of my best friends in life are 10-20 years older than me. The one time I was part of a church singles group, the group had physicists, biologists, NASA employees, actors, teachers, physical therapists, accountants, and professional chefs. Our youth group days, although memorable for some of us, were over. Being single does not make me less mature than someone who is married and, therefore, deserving of being grouped each Sunday with the middle school and high school students (even great kids that they were)! It also doesn’t mean I have zero responsibilities and am automatically more free to pursue God’s calling than someone who is married. Being single simply means I’ve had different life experiences. I still have a job (sometimes multiples ones), bills to pay, a home to care for, relationships to maintain and people whom I must protect and care for—often doing it alone. When I’m sick, I take care of myself. When I come in at night, there are dishes, laundry, meals to cook, and trash to take out—and, unless I have a housemate, there’s no division of labor. It ain’t high school and it sure ain’t middle school, and answering God’s call sure isn’t giving up “nothing” in comparison to others. Treating single people as less makes no sensetheologically. First of all, is it only the people you see as “less” than yourself (implying they have less to give, so it should be easy for them) that you want to consecrate to God? Secondly, the doctrine of imago Dei should tell us that all who are created in God’s image are valuable, so quit treating single members of the human family as less than your equals (and young people, too, while we’re at it) or as less than adult, implying they are fancy-free with no responsibilities.
2. “When I was single, I was really selfish. You should get a relationship, so you stop being selfish.” Guess what? If you say something like that to a single person (tying their moral virtues solely to marital status, without even looking at the fruit of their life), you are are likely still selfish…. and insensitive… and just plain rude. Most of the single people I know are far from selfish. They volunteer, they pray for others, they call their friends when they’re sick or going through a tough time, and they care deeply about others. Would you like us to point out how selfish you are, when you take no time for your friends, expect them to babysit so you can go out (assuming that they have no life), or idealize the single life to meet your own unmet needs in your relationships? No, of course not. Such a generalization would not be fair. It’s certainly not fair for anyone to categorize a whole group of people as selfish. Jesus, Mother Teresa, and the Apostle Paul were all happily single, my friends. And, by the way, it’s also not really good to treat marriage like a detox treatment for “moral character flaws.” That might be...ummm... well, selfish.
3. “You must not be good with kids” or “I could never listen to advice about kids from someone who doesn’t have any” or “You should volunteer in the nursery and get some ‘motherhood’ practice” or anything along these lines. First of all, I’ve worked with several hundred kids on a professional and volunteer level. I might know a thing or two about getting them to take a bottle, changing diapers, or discipline techniques that worked for me. I’ve logged a lot more hours with kids than many parents do before having their first one. Secondly, the church nursery for one hour on Sunday isn’t motherhood practice—don’t make me a sinner or spiritually and immature and being married doesn’t make a person sin-free or spiritually and emotionally mature. Also, having different life experiences does not make me in any less need of a job or less qualified unless you want all applicants to be exact clones of your own life experiences. No one’s life experiences will be exactly like yours, but if they are a mature individual, who can emphasize with others, care deeply for them, and they have a decent amount of problem-solving skills and wisdom, God can use them, regardless of marital status.
9. And let’s not forget comments on the other end of the spectrum (ironically, sometimes from the same mouths): “Since you’re single, it shouldn’t matter when you take your vacation, if you have to work overtime, etc.” I have people who want to spend time with me, too. I have plans. I deserve to be treated with respect. The division of labor in the workplace should never hinge on marital status, but on job skills and qualifications. If I work there, I should receive the same privileges and consideration as anyone else.
10. “When I finally surrendered to God, he gave me the mate I desired.” The last time I checked, singleness was not a state of sin, nor was the desire to love and be loved. Quit implying that someone has a superior relationship with God based on marital status or that there’s some kind of magic, “spiritual formula” to getting married—God is a God of mystery, love, and goodness. I’m not single because he’s punishing me, and you’re not married, because you have some special knowledge of him that I haven’t figured out.

Steak Marinade

Moving to the United States for university meant leaving behind many of my favorite foods - meat pies, real chips, pumpkin leaves,  tomato sauce flavored crisps, Crunchie bars, steak and kidney pie, nsima, chambo, Chombe tea, bakery fresh bread, sausage rolls  - a good mix of post colonial Southern African dishes (not to mention the Korean, Indian, Portuguese, and real Chinese food restaurants I had to leave behind). I was very, very excited when I went to Steak and Shake for the first time and saw steak burgers on the menu. I envisioned what I knew as a steak burger - toasted, buttered bread sandwiching a delicious, juicy steak topped with tomato and onion. Imagine my surprise when my order came and a hamburger was placed in front of me.

"Excuse me," I said, "I ordered a steak burger."

"That is a steak burger - it's made from steak," the waitress answered contemptuously.

"No. This is not a steak burger. This is a hamburger. I don't care what cut of beef you use, when you grind it up it becomes mince. When you make mince into a patty and grill it, you have a hamburger. This is not a steak burger!" my answer seemed to further confuse the waitress (probably because she had no idea what "mince" meant - I had not yet learned to use the American term "hamburger meat.")

I do not eat at Steak and Shake anymore.

If I want a steak burger, I make it myself. I was happy to learn recently that my favorite cut of beef - silverside - is known as bottom round in the US. It is not cut as thickly as I would like, but it will do. This morning, I had one for weekend brunch. I chose to forgo the tomato and onion because my pregnant stomach just wanted buttered toast and steak.

I marinated my steak in a concoction I got from Better Cookery entitled "Sir Edward's Vest British Steak Marinade Ever". It was quite good (although I will say, I do prefer my usual marinade of Worcestershire sauce, chili oil, salt, and pepper just because it is what I am used to. ) You may click on the Better Cookery Link to see the instructions. Here are the basic ingredients.

1/3 cup olive oil
1 tbsp minced garlic
1/3 cup light soy sauce
1 tsp dried red pepper flakes
1/3 cup fresh lime juice
1 tsp ground pepper
1/3 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp dried parsley
2 tbsp garlic powder
1 can diet or regular Coke
1/4 tsp hot pepper sauce
2 tbsp chives

Now, if I could just make a decent steak and kidney pie....

Simon's Stash

Simon's stash for last week -

1. Speech therapy tools
2. Worksheets with colored pencils
3. Coloring sheets with crayons
4. Stickers and paper
5. Cotton ball lamb craft (Easter theme)
6. Jello mix
7. Mickey mouse puzzle ($1 from Dollar Tree - about 1 out of five puzzles I get there are warped, but they are so cheap it isn't an issue)
8. Memory game
9. Dr. Suess door knob hanger (for Read Across America)

We had great celebrating Dr. Suess all week.

A Few Valentine's Day Ideas

A few random Valentine's Day ideas.

These are the Valentine's Simon made for his friends.

I got the idea here. It took us several nights of work to get 14 of them completed. We started out by tracing his hand repeatedly, then I took a night cutting out hearts, one night was gluing down the hand with thumb and forefinger, one night gluing down the other two fingers, and one night adding glitter paint. We were quite pleased with the result, and it was excellent reinforcement of his ASL (American Sign Language).

This is a craft Simon made at school...

And a cute crayon melt Valentine he received from a friend....

Chicken Azteca

This is one of my favorite things to leave in the crock pot. Unfortunately, I don't make it very often because it is fairly fattening. Now that I'm pregnant, I figure I need the calcium from the cream cheese.


Chicken Azteca
1 can black beans, drained
2 cups frozen corn kernels
2 cloves garlic, minced
3/4 tsp cumin
1 cup chunky salsa
5 chicken breasts, cubed
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese


Combine beans, corn, garlic, cumin, salsa, and chicken. Place in slow cooker. Cook on low 5-6 hours. Stir in cream cheese. Cook on high until cream cheese melts. Spoon chicken and sauce over rice. 

Stop Saying That, Please

This is not my normal post. It is very personal and will probably offend some people. 

Here is my complaint: I am sick and tired of people disrespecting each other’s positions and choices in the world. Whether you chose to be single, to live with a partner, to be married, to have a job, to stay home with your children, or to become a monk, I believe you are a human being worthy of respect. You should not be told that you are somehow less because of that choice.

I would very much like to make this a series and ask my friends who have other lifestyles to voice their own concerns and needs. (Why, if you are single, do people assume that means you don’t mind working overtime? Why, if you don’t have kids, do people assume your life is somehow incomplete?)  

With the arrival of Simon in our home, I was thrust into the role of working mother. I have been shocked to find out how incredibly unsupported and disrespected that position has been. I have seen countless blogs, posts, Facebook lists, and Pins supporting stay at home moms – especially the lists of things not to say to SAHMs.

So, here, as a working mother, is a list of 6 things I need people to stop saying to me.

Things I Need People to Quit Saying to Me

1.  “I could never let someone else raise my child.”

Really? Me neither. Just because my child may be at preschool for part of his day does not mean that I am not raising him. I know what he does during the day, every day. I make all of the important moral/medical/lifestyle decisions regarding his upbringing. When he is in my care – for the majority of his day and the weekend – I make an extra effort to spend quality time with him because of our time apart. Let’s agree that we are both raising our own children.

2.  “My family made financial sacrifices so I could care for our child.”

The vast majority of parents make sacrifices for their children. You believe that making less money in order to stay home with your child is the best decision for her. I believe that my child benefits from peer interaction and education he is getting in preschool; the vacations we are able to take; the healthy diet we feed him; and the medical interventions he has received. Those are things my job pays for, and I sacrifice time with him in order to provide them because that is what I believe is best for him. Let’s just agree that we both make sacrifices in order to provide what we believe our child needs and respect that mutual spirit of sacrifice.

3.  “I guess your husband doesn’t have a very good job.”

Wow. That’s just so insulting (and, yes, it has been said to me – more than once.) Because I am sarcastic by nature, it is always on the tip of my tongue to say, “Yeah, I should have followed your example and married for money instead of love.” Of course, that is wrong because I know that the speaker did not marry for money; it just seems like they don’t realize the inference behind their words. First, you are implying that my husband should be judged based on his salary, which is kind of like a man judging you on the size of your breasts and the span of your waistline. It is insulting and outdated. Second, you are implying that I should be the one to stay home. There are many stay at home dads who are doing a bang up job. Third, you are implying that I must want to stay home but don’t have the means to do so. There are many women who work because they believe it is best for their families and themselves, not because they “have to”.  I am proud of the example I set for my son(s) as a working mom. I am proud that they see me and Stone as equal both in and outside of our home; I believe it will help them grow up to be strong, sensitive, independent  men. It is fine if that is not what you think your children need, but please don’t just assume that everyone else needs to feel the same way.  Let’s agree that we both doing what we feel is best.

4. “You are so lucky to get away to work for a break every day. I work 24/7.”

Um, yeah, because I come home to a clean house, dinner on the table, a nanny, a stylist, a personal shopper, and an on-call physician. Is that what you think? Please. Stone and I still take our kid to the doctor, the dentist, the speech therapist, play dates, and birthday parties. We bathe him, feed him, cloth him, discipline him, help him with his homework, and pack his lunch. We clean the house, run the errands, pay the bills, blah, blah, blah. None of that magically does itself while we are at work. Let’s agree that we all have a super long to-do list.

5.  “Staying home lets me really get to know my child.”

Again, I think this speaker doesn’t realize that she is implying I don’t know my child. There are a plethora  of ways to ignore your child – putting them in front of the TV, ignoring them while you chat with the other moms in playgroup,  even just tuning them out – that having nothing to do with whether or not one has a job. I don’t question your knowledge of your child; I am sure that spending your days with them has increased that knowledge. I also know my child better than anyone else in the world – I make a concerted effort to do so.  Let’s agree that we both know, and deeply love our children.

6. “It’s so sad how people have stopped following God’s plan for the family. A woman’s place is in the home.”

You have just foisted your religion on me. You may now remove it. I choose to follow a God who created all human beings equally, regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. I opine that a God who creates an entire gender to serve another is not a being I would like to worship. If you chose to worship a misogynistic God, that is your prerogative. Please respect my right to worship my own God in my own way.

Thanks for reading and have a lovely day, however you chose to spend it.